Dear Mr. President,

News reports are that you will be visiting the Twin Cities next Monday to hold a fundraiser at the Edina home of local real estate mogul David Frauenshuh. Here in Minnesota, we're flattered by all the attention you've been giving us the past year, and frankly a little embarrassed since we're not used to being a swing state. I fully appreciate how important raising $200 million for your reelection is to your larger goals of increasing jobs and making the world safe for Americans, but I'm not sure that you fully appreciate the disruption your visits cause. 

For example, Mr. President, there's a "no-fly" zone of considerable size which centers on wherever you happen to be at the moment. While you're in Edina, this may completely close one or two small airports, Flying Cloud and Crystal, costing flight instructors a half-day of work. These are hard-working Americans who dream of one day becoming airline pilots, but in the meanwhile are trying to make ends meet in a job they love which barely pays survival wages.

Speaking of airlines, Minneapolis-St. Paul International is a major hub for Northwest Airlines, the same Northwest Airlines which announced just a few days ago that they're still losing hundreds of millions of dollars. Because Minneapolis is a major hub, flight delays here tend to cause delays elsewhere, and can cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. While the airlines get an exception to the "no-fly" zone, the Minneapolis airport will most likely be closed for a significant amount of time when you arrive on Air Force One, and again when you depart. The disruption is probably about what you'd get from a couple of severe thunderstorms, a fact which has some interesting philosophical, political, and meteorological implications.

As you know, Mr. President, they also close major highways for your motorcade when you visit. Here in the Twin Cities we already have a major problem with traffic congestion, caused by a few decades of the local Republicans and Democrats not being able to decide what to do about all those cars. Closing highways just makes it that much harder for people to get around, packages to get delivered, and business to get done.

By the way, on the subject of Republicans and Democrats, here in Minnesota we don't have Republicans, we have "Independent-Republicans," which gives you some idea of how bewildered we are as a state to be politically up for grabs. Of course, the Democrats are just as ornery, and insist on being called the "Democratic-Farmer-Labor" party, which we think has a nice sort of salt-of-the-earth ring to it.

Of course, it isn't all bad. While you're in town, the crime rate drops to about nothing with all those Secret Service guys crawling around. On the other hand, we don't have much of a crime problem in Edina, which is where all the rich doctors and lawyers live and where everyone has alarm systems anyway.

In any event, Mr. President, as much as we love it when you visit, it really does cause us a lot of problems here in the Twin Cities, especially as we try to improve our local economy. So, with all due respect, I'd like to suggest some other places you could visit instead, where you may be able to be of some direct benefit:

* North Korea. The way I figure, if we can get you to visit some of those North Korean nuclear sites, one of your Secret Service agents is sure to stumble upon some sort of criminal activity.

* Bangalore, India. With all the high-tech jobs going there, I think America could benefit from some localized economic disruption in Bangalore. I hear it's nice in the summer, so maybe you could stay for a few weeks.

* Paris, France. These days, it's looking like the next Air Force One will be made by Airbus, not Boeing, so you might want to go kick the tires. After what they did to us at the U.N., they deserve to have their transportation infrastructure paralyzed by your visit, though from what I hear most people won't be able to tell the difference.

Of course, you're always welcome to visit, Mr. President. Minnesotans are never quite sure what to do when someone important drops by, but we'll be sure to have the hotdish ready and some Jello salad. You know, the good kind we make with the canned fruit and the Cool Whip.

P.S. I'm a small businessman, and the jobs I provide keep five families with an income and health insurance. You know, if you really want to help the economy, maybe you could send a couple million of that campaign money my way. I'll make sure it keeps some jobs around, and with all you've raised, you'd hardly notice the difference. I hear Mr. Kerry has some extra cash, too. Maybe he could do the same.