FutureNews - Des Moines, Iowa, April 1, 2004 - In a surprise announcement here, where Dean's campaign first showed its strength, Howard Dean has pulled out of the presidential race and thrown his support behind incumbent George W. Bush. Since Dean is the presumptive Democratic nominee for President, this effectively leaves Bush without major-party opposition in this fall's election.

"I have one thing to say to America," said Dean in his surprise speech, "April Fools! You've all been had! Who would even want to challenge a President with such high approval ratings, after he's led us through such a successful war in Iraq, and such strong job growth. I'd just wind up like Dukakais, and that's just not for me."

Many Dean supporters were stunned by the news. Said one anonymous commenter in an online forum, "He really had me going there. I was all ready to go vote for him, but the joke's on me, I guess. I mean, who would want to run against Bush? He's such a great president, and a really nice guy, too."

A source close to the Dean campaign said that the campaign had been a joke from the very beginning, but surprised everyone involved when it caught fire. By pulling out relatively early in the race, the campaign acknowledged the inevitable, without having to spend the time and money to carry the joke all the way through the election.

Democratic insiders were said to be weighing options, including a merger with the Republican party. Said one, "We've never tried one-party rule in America. Maybe it's time."

FutureNews - Washington, DC, December 2, 2004 - In a 5-4 majority opinion which begins, "Your turn is over, and now it's time to share," the Supreme Court handed the narrowly contested 2004 presidential race to Democrat Howard Dean. The ruling in the lawsuit over the narrow margins of victory and subsequent recounts in Florida, Wisconsin, Iowa, and Hawaii effectively halts recount efforts in those states, and provides Democratic challenger Howard Dean with a three-vote margin of victory in the electoral college, despite having 350,000 fewer popular votes than President George W. Bush.

Even Supreme Court watchers who predicted this outcome were surprised by the language in the majority opinion. Authored by Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, the opinion often takes a pedantic, and even exasperated tone. Coming after a year of ferocious partisan battles and what many Americans feel was the most negative Presidential campaign in recent memory, many will sympathize with the Court's opinion.

Ginseberg, writing for the majority, addressed President Bush directly at one point: "When we gave you the Presidency four years ago, you knew it was for a limited time, and it isn't fair for you to monopolize it when someone else wants to be President." At another point, addressing Howard Dean, "Nobody likes a smarty-pants, and if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all. Just because it's your turn to be President doesn't mean we think your behavior deserves it."

Said Supreme Court watcher Howard Wheeler at the Center for Pedantic Democracy, "I think the Supreme Court has shown an excellent understanding of the mood of the American electorate. After all the dirt, the mud, the name-calling, and the generally unpleasant tone of this election, many people just want to smack the two candidates on the head, or send them to their rooms for a time-out."

The Supreme Court went beyond the narrow legal issues of this particular case, however, and also addressed issues related to the governance of the two parties. "We're sick and tired of having to clean up after both Republicans and Democrats, and it's high time you both started picking up your own messes and not leaving them for someone else," wrote Ginsberg in the decision; and elsewhere: "If the two of you can't learn to share power nicely, we're just going to have to take it away and give it to someone else. The way you carry on, I'd think you had nothing better to do but squabble and fight all day long. Uff-da! It's a miracle anything gets done in this country!"

Noted Wheeler, "The inclusion of the Norwegian phrase, uff-da, which is an expression of extreme disgust or disgruntlement, is particularly striking. As far as we know, Justice Ginsberg is not herself Norwegian, which implies she searched well beyond her own linguistic heritage to find just the right phrase. From this we can infer that she, like most Americans, is really disgusted with the tone of this political season."

At a news conference after the decision was announced, President-Elect Dean sounded a triumphant tone. "This long campaign is over, but now the hard work begins. But first, I must acknowledge the effort of my opponent. President Bush, you fought a hard campaign, but I won. Nyah nyeah nyeah! Pbbbbbbbt! How does 'Former President Bush' sound, huh? Now you can slink back to Texas and join your daddy in the one-term club!"

In contrast, Bush thanked his volunteers and campaign workers for their hard effort: "You all did a great job, and we should have won. We did win! I got more votes than he did, and it isn't fair! It just isn't fair! He'll be sorry! Oooooh, I hate him!"

However, one media watcher noted that more Americans watched the new episode of "Reality Unreal" than both candidates' speeches combined.

FutureNews - June 27, 2004, Tel Aviv - Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon announced a bold new peace initiative today. "Our plan is simple," said Sharon at a news conference, "we will kill everyone who doesn't like Israel. Then, everyone will like us, and there will be peace in the Middle East."

Reaction was swift from around the world. Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat derided the Israeli proposal as nothing new. Said Arafat through a spokesperson, "This new plan from Sharon is nothing new at all. The Palestinians have been pursuing almost exactly the same peace plan for years. However, we welcome the new Israeli initiative and look forward to pursuing peace in this manner bilaterally."

In a later prepared statement, the Israeli government noted that while the initial focus of the peace plan would be on the Palestinians, it could be expanded to include other countries hostile to Israel, and possibly even domestic Israeli politics.

"Israel is the only true democracy in the Middle East," noted Political Science Professor Arthur Schaumburger of the Center for International Mortality. "Democracy is often a very messy form of government. I think this plan has merit for bringing calm, rational debate to the political arena, and I applaud the bold steps of the Sharon government."

The Bush administration had no immediate comment, though sources close to the President say that the administration is studying the plan closely, noting that it could have applicability to the War on Terrorism, and the continuing process of rebuilding both Iraq and Afghanistan.

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