She Who Puts Up With Me will surely groan at the subject of this article. She complains that I'm terribly hard to shop for, whereas I think I couldn't be easier.

Twice a year, we have essentially the same dialogue:

She: What do you want for Christmas/your birthday this year?

Me: You!

Anyway, even though it won't make Her job any easier, here is a list of things I don't want for Christmas this year:

1. Discount laser eye surgery from a clinic which advertises in the Sunday funnies.

2. Clever crafts made from AOL CD's .

3. A Cheesehead .

4. Big Mouth Billy Bass. Writes one reviewer on Amazon.com : "Big Mouth Billy Bass is a very educational toy."

5. Precious Moments .

6. The HampsterDance Album (warning: I don't think the music on this page can be turned off).

7. Gigli on DVD.

8. A George W. Bush action figure (though I might take the Ann Coulter talking doll. I'd take her and a talking Bill Clinton ....and switch the voiceboxes).

8a. What is it with this celebrity-worship of political figures anyway? I mean, these are politicians, folks, or worse, commentators, who are just politicians who can't get elected. Let's worry about important stuff, like Jennifer Lopez's love life.

9. A romance novel . I don't have time to read the whole book; just send me the good pages.

10. Anything you saw advertised through E-mail. No. Really. Not even that .